I watched a plane flying south into the cotton candy clouds at sunset and thought about where it was headed. Was it heading to tucson? Mexico? There were surely people aboard that plane feeling anxious, excited or sad. Happy to see Los Angeles dip away out of their tiny windows, sad to see LA fade into low mountains and then clouds. At that point, way up there, the fasten seat belt sign had surely flicked off, people were stretching and moving their hips, a line was forming for the bathroom. Where were they going, how were they feeling, why did I care? Was the sky more pink up there? Was anyone wondering what the people below were thinking? Did anyone wonder if a mother of one was standing on her stoop looking up and thinking about them?
I feel the pressure. This hasn't changed since before I was a mother but all sense of belonging, having it together, being on top of it is magnified and scrutinized under the pretext that this could be influencing, this could be changing the little mind that is so ready to be formed by my every action, my every word. The responsibility often too great to bear but never too great to not accept and try. Is everyone more confident in the every decision thrown there way? Am I the only one to question all and wonder what if. Are all decisions made because at one point or another they have to be made one way or another.
We fought in front of ila for the first real time today. It was only for a few brief moments about moving about the lease about the nothing that matters. She argued too saying we had to listen to her too.
We were together and apart as we all are.